Let’s Argue: Who had the Better Bedroom, Drake and Josh or Arnold?

Picture this: it is a Friday night in 2005. Your parents are going out for a night on the town for the first time in 3 years. Your older brother is babysitting you, but he audibly complains every chance he gets because he was supposed to go out with his girlfriend tonight and try to get to 2nd base at the mall or something. You settle into the couch, grab an orange soda and some sour cream & onion chips. You turn on the television and flip to channel 40 (if you had comcast in central Indiana). The new episode of Drake and Josh is premiering and you get to see that glorious bedroom yet again.

Your brother, who is still upset about not getting to connect braces with another young lady, claims that their bedroom isn’t even that cool. Upon hearing that statement you punch yourself in the eye and say that you are gonna tell Mom that he did it if he doesn’t retract the statement. In response he punches you in the other eye and says he is gonna tell Mom that you ran into a street sign again. Then he expands on his claim saying that Arnold (of Hey Arnold! fame) had a much cooler bedroom. An argument breaks out, and because you are 9 and he is 15 he can outsmart you in any argument that you try to bring to the table. You begin crying out of pure frustration. Your night is ruined. Thanks Derek.

I was having this debate with my partner recently. Yes, I am still thinking about these two bedrooms 15 years later. Part of the joy of childhood is the escapism and letting your imagination take you places mentally that you can never go physically. Both of these bedrooms had an astounding grasp on me as a kid.

These two bedrooms stick in our brains so much to this day because they were both very unique, very cool, and phenomenal settings for children’s shows. But this is the internet. We must debate. We must have winners and losers. We must defend our opinions dammit! So let me try to settle this in a somewhat objective and educated manner over here. I am going to bring up a bunch of different categories about the bedrooms and they will then go head to head in each category through the lens of my eye’s balls and my mouth’s words. My opinion is law here. You want your opinions heard? You write a blog. It’s very easy. They let anybody publish words on this website.

Where was I? Ahh yes, debate. I will put these bedrooms head to head in each category. When the dust settles we will see who won the most categories and declare that room the official children’s tv show bedroom ultimate fighting champion of the world. Alright gameplan’s set. You guys ready? Break.

1. Size

Unfortunately we are starting off the first category with a blowout. But when it comes to comparing two rooms you simply must compare size. And it comes as the first category here because it is the first thing anyone has ever thought when they walk into an unfamiliar room, ever. How big is it? Is it a closet? A Gymnasium? Important questions to ask yourself about the room you just walked into. When it comes to these two rooms Drake and Josh win in a landslide. Their bedroom is simply humongous. I believe the canon explanation is that it is a converted attic. Why did two brothers have to share the attic as a bedroom in a giant house in a nice neighborhood? Beats me. But then again I don’t even know where to begin explaining how Arnold got dibs on his bedroom. But it is smaller. I’m getting sidetracked. Let’s move on.

2. Sleeping Situation

This one is tricky. Arnold has a bed on one end that stretches the entire width of the bedroom. I do not know how much I would like that. There is only 1 direction of exiting the bed as opposed to the standard 3. However, and this is key in this category, Arnold sleeps ALONE. Drake and Josh have to share a room. Sharing a bedroom with your new step-brother who is the same age as you? Fuuuuuuck that. Imagine that masturbation situation. YUCK. As far as the actual sleeping situations for the brothers go, Josh’s bed is nothing special. Drake’s bed is cool at first glance. Then you realize every time you have to get up from your bed to pee, or get water, or do anything at all, you have to get off a 4 foot platform. Whether it be jumping or climbing down the ladder I don’t care, I’m not doing that. I slept on the top bunk for 1 semester my freshman year of college and that shit was simply terrible. Arnold wins this one easy.

3. Non-Sleeping Furniture

This one is going to be contentious. Shooo buddy. We got some HEAT in this category. The thing that jumps out to me immediately in this category (and should to you too) is Arnold’s couch. His couch pops out of the wall WITH A FUCKING REMOTE CONTROL. Read that sentence again. This might be the coolest piece of furniture that exists in any children’s show in history. Add in the fact that it looks like a couch taken out of the Jetsons and it’s going to be hard to beat. But the only thing that could potentially rival that couch is the fact that Drake and Josh essentially have an entire extra living room in their bedroom. It comes complete with a TV, a couch, two chairs, and a coffee table… all in their bedroom. That is the textbook living room furniture setup. That shouldn’t be able to all fit in a bedroom. But alas, it does and here we are.

This one is tough. The entire living room setup or the coolest couch you’ve ever seen? I am going to have to go with Arnold’s couch, but it was the closest battle yet. I mean look at that thing. I do hate that Arnold would have nothing but problems trying to watch TV from his couch. It’d be borderline impossible. Meanwhile the brothers have a perfect setup for television in their room. Hmm. Now I’m second guessing. No. You know what? Arnold wins this category! But…

4. Television Viewability

It had to be here dammit! Television is a part of our lives. That’s how I am familiar with these rooms in the first place! Arnold had an old TV sitting on a built-in shelf to the side of his bed. That television is only visible if you are standing at the other side of the bed staring at it. Not comfy, nor enjoyable. The brothers had 4–5 perfectly great seats to take a load off and watch some tube. They could host a small Super Bowl party in their bedroom! So they win this category blindfolded. Which I guess effectively makes the previous category meaningless. Whatever, Who cares. This is my thing, not yours. NEXT CATEGORY.

5. Accessories

This is an interesting one. Both rooms have great accessories. That’s what makes them great rooms, ya understand. What’s more, they both have a lot of the same great accessories. Both rooms have sick stereos, great computer desks, and built-in shelving, which is just always fun. However, outside of those mutual things, Arnold’s room doesn’t have too much more going for it. He has a water cooler for some reason. Drake and Josh have a mini-fridge stocked with Dr. Fizz. Much cooler. The brothers also have Drake’s guitar and amp. That is just objectively a very cool thing to be in any given place at any given time. Except for maybe a funeral or the hospital. One thing Arnold does have that was very unique and memorable was his custom alarm clock. He built an alarm clock that looks exactly like him and runs on a potato. So awesome. But unfortunately I do not feel the alarm clock alone can save Arnold in this category. Drake and Josh win.

6. Intangibles

Alright let’s discuss it. It’s the reason you are all here. I can hear every simpleton in the back yelling “Why haven’t you talked about Arnold’s roof yet?? Fuckin idiot. Fuckin Stupid”. BECAUSE. I didn’t feel like talking about it until now. You don’t like that? Write your own think piece on this very important topic.

Arnold has a glass ceiling above his room. It is indeed very sweet. What is better than a glass ceiling? A glass ceiling with direct roof access. That’s right. Arnold had access to a ROOFDECK in a major metropolitan area directly from his bedroom. There is nothing that is even remotely that cool in Drake and Josh’s room. The only thing I could even begin to compare it to would be the giant window behind Drake’s bed. But who fucking cares cause Arnold’s entire ceiling is a skylight. If we were comparing the rooms on ease of smoking-weed-and-not-getting-caughtability then Arnold would win this series in 4 games, don’t bother coming out. Arnold very obviously wins this one.

This is the biggest blowout of a category yet. Arnold is definitely riding the momentum, and he’s going back home to Hillwood, Washington for a Game 7 (you had no idea that was the name of his city either). Let’s see how this plays out babayyyy!

7. Decoration

Ahhhhhh. We’ve made it. Final category. Game 7. Who would have thought it would all come down to decorations? Not me, certainly. When it comes to decorations… I hate to say it. But Arnold’s room comes up a bit lacking. He has his trademark post of Mickey Kaline, the greatest baseball player who ever lived. But outside of that, he really does not have much room for decorations on account of him owning so many books. My goodness does this kid own so many goddamn books. Hey Arnold, ain’t no way you’ve read all those books. You are 9 years old. (Side note: Arnold was only NINE years old?? I would have guessed 14, bare minimum. He was meandering the entire city by himself! He was helping adults with their very adult problems! 9?!?)

On the contrary, Drake and Josh have very cool white-suburban-teen in the 2000’s decorations. And they have an abundance of them too. They have a very cool CD rack, a collection of license plates, a mini-chalkboard, and various knick-knacks all over the place. Their bedroom looks like the front room of a Cracker Barrel if that Cracker Barrel was owned and operated by Mark McGrath. It pains me to say it (I have become biased through this process) but it looks like Drake and Josh take Game 7.

Conclusion:

So there it is. They are both very cool bedrooms, I said that already. So you are not allowed to yell at me. But when we put them head-to-head we play by total games won, not by point differential. Those are the rules. That I made up. For myself. Nevertheless, I am hereby declaring Drake and Josh’s bedroom to be the official children’s tv show bedroom ultimate fighting champion of the world. And before you older folks start whining, guess what. They made a mock-up of what Arnold’s bedroom would look like in real life and it fucking STINKS. So I no longer feel bad about the winner here.