Power Ranking the Pacers Based Off of How Blitzed They Are in this Photo

This picture dropped last night and boy is it glorious. Every season or two we get a group picture of an NBA team on a night off and they look just like this. They are not sneaky. The Celtics picture from a few years back was a classic but it is time to usher in a NEW Stondest Team In America. Let’s take a quick look at each player, diagnose their level of stonededness, try to decipher their thoughts in this current snapshot of time, and then we’ll get outta here to enjoy our holiday. How’s that sound? Great. BREAK.

14. Bennedict Mathurin

My baby boy here is simply not high. He’s just not. He wouldn’t dream of it. He is just running off of the fumes that he accumulated last night because Carlisle wouldn’t let him go for a 50 burger in a G League game. He doesn’t understand why he is not being permitted to play more basketball in this given moment.

Blizted-o-Meter: 0/10

Current thoughts: “We are here, on the court, all together. I am currently HOLDING a basketball and you are telling me… that we are not allowed to play? Fuck this.”

13. Aaron Nesmith

Nesmith, unfortunately, is not high either. He is quite simply just happy to be here. He has a fresh new start on a young Pacers team and he is making the most of it. He has been playing well and it is nice to see. He looks like he just got out of the film room and that is very pleasant to me.

Blitzed-o-Meter: 0/10

Current thoughts: “Man everyone is so nice here. I love this team. They are all fucking ripped out of their minds though. But that’s okay, because I am happy and we are playing good ball.”

12. Goga Bitadze

Goga does not look very high. But he does not look very sober. And I do not know Goga as a human well enough to decide if he would indeed do that pose while he was sober. We are going to diagnose this as a 5 gram edible eaten a couple of hours ago. Just enough buzz to get the body feeling some tingles. Respect.

Blitzed-o-Meter: 0.5/10

Current Thoughts: “If I can get everyone here to like me as much as possible then maybe they will resign me. Boy oh boy.”

11. Daniel Theis

Theis has not played a minute all season. If anyone has the right to be high in this group it is him. He just had surgery dammit! However, just because he has the best excuse for being high, it does not necessarily mean he is high. I cannot tell simply because he is naturally a very squinty person. Because this remains ambiguous he gets the nod at 11.

Blitzed-o-Meter: ?/10

Current Thoughts: “Ow my knee hurts so fucking bad.”

10. Andrew Nembhard

Nembhard is the first one where I am confident that he smoked. However, he did not smoke with the rest of the team. He smoked by himself after lunch earlier in the day. He is currently in the midst of his comedown because he thought it would be risky to smoke again before the game with everyone else. But he is still acting very stoned because he wants to fit in with everyone else.

Blitzed-o-Meter: 1.5/10

Current Thoughts: “I could never get away with shit at Gonzaga. This rules.”

9. TJ McConnell

TJ is ninth highest. This was Dad’s night out and he took advantage of it. He had every timing detail planned down to a T. If his math is correct, he will walk in his front door and greet his family at the exact moment that he hits a 0/10. What else would you expect from a backup floor general. He looks like he is an assistant coach and this is his AAU team. Great vibes.

Blitzed-o-Meter: 2.5/10

Current Thoughts: “Alright I met up with the guys an hour ago. If I am here for, say, 2 more hours, then a 30 minute drive home, maybe stop by the gas station, then that will put me home at 9:30 pm on the dot. Perfect”

8. Jalen Smith

Jalen has a classic stoned look going on here. We’ve all done it. Gotten stoned in private and then went out in public. You think nobody will notice you are high if you put your hood up when, in fact, it makes it all the more noticeable. Also putting the hood over your head when you are high just feels nice. Jalen is simply a pro at this though. Look at how cool and collected he looks. A true gentleman of experience. Man I love hoodies.

Blitzed-o-Meter: 4/10

Current Thoughts: “Man nobody told me I was smoking with a bunch of amateurs. I mean Nembhard is holding onto me for dear life. Buncha nerds. All good though, as long as I’m still starting.”

7. Tyrese Haliburton

Tyrese slides into 7th place here. I know what you may be thinking. “How can he be 7th when he LOOKS like he is 1st?” Well a lot of you are familiar with Hali, but some of you are not. The reason he is not higher on this list is because this is just what he looks like. He is one of the more smiley people in America. He has this exact pose and face for 85% of his waking hours that he is not playing basketball. I love him, and you should too.

Blitzed-o-Meter: 5/10

Current Thoughts: “I am a superstar and this is my army. I will die out there and so will they. I will not lose another game for the rest of my career.”

6. Myles Turner

Coming in at number 6 we have the big man in the middle. Myles looks very stoned, but he does not look like he is having the best time. Probably because this was a scheduled Lego Night for him that he had to reschedule. He is not necessarily upset at anybody, and he is happy to be rooting for his G League affiliate. He was just really looking forward to drinking some vino and building the Taj Mahal tonight. But he will settle for some smoke and basketball.

Blitzed-o-Meter: 5.5/10

Current Thoughts: “If I lead the league in blocks for a 3rd time and still don’t get All-Defensive then I am retiring. My knees can’t take this shit anymore.”

5. Oshae Brissett

Oshae is pretty fucking high. He has classic “what am I doing with my arms” energy in this picture. I guarantee that he has opened this picture a few times today and just thought that to himself. Was he in a transition phase between poses or did he just stand like this? Either way, the man is toasted. As a man who has played many G League games, he is very happy that he did not have to play tonight. God Bless Him.

Blitzed-o-Meter: 6/10

Current Thoughts: “Man I hate being in the front of group pics. TJ is so much smaller than me. Why is he behind me? What the fuck do I do with my hands?”

4. Isaiah Jackson

IJax is firmly in the 4 spot. This is a textbook case of Kush Coma. The man is just so goddam sleepy. It took all he had not to fall asleep. He is looking different directions because he is to tired. He is going to sleep like an absolute baby tonight. He will have vivid dreams of him back in high school doing something very embarrassing and the whole school laughing at him. He will wake up sweating. He will drink some water. He will fall back asleep and have great dreams until morning.

Blitzed-o-Meter: 7/10

Current Thoughts: “Bed. I want to go to bed. How much longer until I can go to bed.”

3. Chris Duarte

Here we go, getting into the medalists of this contest. Duarte takes home bronze pretty handedly. He has been looking forward to this night for quite some time. He, too, has been injured for a few weeks now and this is just what he needed to take the edge off. He has that look you get when you’re stoned where it looks like you are trying to close your eyes from the bottom-up instead of the top-down. Hands in the pocket with the slightest tilt. I mean this is just stereotypical stoner looks. This man is soaring with the dragons right now.

Blitzed-o-Meter: 8/10

Current Thoughts: “This shit is so much stronger than what we had back home. Holy shit. Man my ankle hurts.

2. James Johnson

Bringing in the silver medal is the true veteran on this team. James is hanging with the young guns tonight, and to his credit he is holding up decently. But just because he is holding up, does not mean that the man is not on Jupiter right now. He was probably the one to secure the bag for this evening in an attempt to fit in with his Gen-Z counterparts. Then he was trying to be the cool uncle of the team and faced a joint to himself. These are the results. This is a photo of one of the highest people I have ever seen. He is just happy to still be in the league and have a team to be a part of. But my god, how is this man going to get home tonight?

Blitzed-o-Meter: 9/10

Current Thoughts: “………”

1. Buddy Hield

Buddy is the highest on the team. It is as simple as that. The photographer was standing 10 feet away from the group when the pic was taken and you can still tell that Buddy’s eyes are completely glossed over. It has been said before (shoutout Drunk Lamar) and I’ll say it again. This is the face you see at midnight when you are a Taco Bell cashier. Buddy then proceeds to order “2 Taco Bells with extra cheese” and you both are confused. He looks like he is going to spend 7–9 minutes in the snack aisle later tonight. Buddy takes home the gold easily in my opinion, respectfully of course.

Blitzed-o-Meter: 9.5/10

Current Thoughts: “Man this game looks fun. What did they say it was called again? I’d love to try it sometime, I think I could be pretty good.”

FIN.