Remember that Time the Superintendent got Caught Pooping on the Track?
The year is 2018 at Holmdel High School in Holmdel, New Jersey. A track and field coach goes out to begin setting up for practice when he sees what appears to be actual human shit on the track. He is presumably disgusted and alerts a custodian. Then he comes back out the next day. More shit. Did the custodian not clean up the shit? Or is this NEW shit?? Alert the custodian again. Come back the next morning. More shit. Rinse and repeat (literally, I would assume).
This begs the question.. Who the fuck is shitting on the track every morning? Well I gave it away in the title of this blog because I don’t know how to do teasers very well! That’s right. It was the superintendent. After a whole investigation that involved a stakeout(!) the poopatrator (had to) was caught. Thomas Tramaglini, a school district superintendent, aged 42.
This story made national headlines in 2018 and rightfully so. It’s too bizarre to ignore. Why was the superintendent pooping on the track on “a daily basis”? Well I never dug much under the surface of this story because I knew the reality could not be funnier than the headline. That all changed today. I found myself reminiscing about this story and suddenly I yearned to know more. I had to get to the bottom of it. So let’s dive into it.
The first thing I found out when researching this story is that the man was not even the superintendent of the school that he was pooping on. He was the superintendent of a whole nother ass school district. This just raises more questions.
Apparently he lived a few miles from this particular high school but would commute some ways to his school district. Doesn’t even live in the district! Couldn’t be my superintendent!
Well how did they catch Tramaglini? The school resource officer set up a stakeout with a video camera. Caught brown handed in the act. Tough to argue out of. Tramaglini was arrested very shortly after that same day and taken into custody. He was charged with public defecation, lewdness, and littering. Got him with littering too?? Cmon man!
The superintendent was sent on paid-leave by his district immediately and the trial was set for later that year. This trial seems like it should have taken 5 minutes to settle. They literally have video of you shitting! How long could it have taken? From everything I could find this whole ordeal lasted over 3 MONTHS. What could have taken so long?
Well it turns out that Tramaglini filed a lawsuit against the school district and was seeking ONE MILLION dollars in damages because they made his mugshot public. There was also a lot of arguing about the constitutionality of various forms of evidence. A custodian taped over the original footage somehow, which the defense attorney claimed was tantamount to “taking a hose over a bloody murder scene and washing it down before it’s processed.” Alright, lets relax pal.
So after months of all the arguing about the evidence it would appear that maybe some sort of deal was struck. Tramaglini admitted to the poop! Ohhhhh he admit it! He admitted to pooping just ONCE and only once on the track, which is objectively hilarious. There were reports of this happening daily! He just wants us to believe he had NOTHING to do with the previous shits? That he just so happened to shit on a day that the school was in the midst of a serial pooper? But he was not that pooper? Of course it was him the whole time! But neither you or I can prove that in a court of law. Believe me, they tried.
He was found guilty on one count of public defecation and fined $500. After all that?? A $500 fine? What an anticlimactic ending. But we still don’t have the reason as to why? Why did he poop?
Well apparently Tramaglini was a pretty prolific runner. He reportedly finished the New York marathon with a time of 03:48:25. Pretty good THOMAS. So he liked to get up really early and run every morning, and this high school was on one of his favorite routes. Only issue is… according to OFFICIAL COURT DOCUMENTS Tramaglini was diagnosed with Runner’s Diarrhea after the arrest, which is real I guess. This is what allegedly led to pooping on the track. He would have sudden gastrointestinal distress and have to poop immediately. Every morning. In the same place. For multiple, multiple mornings in a row.
Now part of me kind of feels bad from Tramaglini. The man had the runs and was clearly in distress. Then after the incident he had to deal with his face being plastered over the internet with names like “Pooperintendent” (very funny) and The Super Pooper. The jokes write themselves folks.
He was told by the arresting officer that this was going to be “no big deal”, that he would be fined, and that he could go back to his normal life. That is… until the Holmdel Police Facebook account made an entire post about it and released his mugshot. The story went viral, understandably, and Tramaglini’s employers were left with no choice but to terminate him. Tough break, honestly.
But I would feel much worse if this was a one-time disaster. But he did it daily!!!
Hey dude, maybe figure something else out. Buy a treadmill and shit in your basement like the rest of us. This is hardly an excuse. After the first poop I would have considered it a fluke. After the second poop the very next morning I would have had to engage in some serious self-evaluation. At least bring one of those dog-poop bags to clean it up yourself! You’re making another grown person clean up your own shit everyday! He just kept running and kept pooping. Case solved.
I’ll leave you with this as a button up. You may ask yourself… were there not any restrooms nearby that he could have used? Yes. Yes there were. In fact, there were multiple port-a-potties available for public use around the track and field. So why didn’t Tramaglini use any of the multiple outlets available? Well… according to his attorney, “ my client was not certain he would have made it even if he did (know they existed).” Hilarious. Have a great day everybody.
